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The Spire: Faversham Wetherspoons to trial run new social distancing guidelines

By Andy Capon

Wetherspoons founder Tim Martin announced this week that Faversham’s Leading Light pub is to be used as a trial run for new guidelines as pubs re-open across the UK.

Martin told The Spire, “The Leading Light is a typical Wetherspoons outlet, insofar as it’s filled with bottom of the food chain rumpots who don’t care that I stitched up my staff during lockdown, as long as they can get a double G & T for under four quid.”

An ONS study showed that a fight breaks out in the Leading Light at least twice a night and new measures have been implemented to ensure that social distancing is observed during a punch up.

“We’ll be handing out spears at the door and encouraging drinkers to fight using them as weapons, rather than getting into a regular scrap where the one metre rule is inevitably discarded,” said Martin. “We have also implemented a rule whereby customers mop up their own blood after a fight.”

“We’re also removing many of our chairs, too. Not so much for distancing, but so there are fewer to break over someone’s head when it all kicks off. Safety of our customers is paramount,” he added.

Staff will be issued with masks and gloves but, according to Martin, but it won’t be the regular PPE that other pubs are using.

“We are issuing bar staff with metal gauntlets and helmets, which may come in useful to deflect any beer glasses that fly their way every ten minutes. The helmets will also be useful in concealing the identity of the staff, many of whom don’t want anyone to know they’re working for me but are desperate for the minimum wage.”

Couples who have sex in the toilet cubicles are also covered under the measures, as Martin explained. “Whereas we discourage sex in the loos, we have set aside two special cubicles for those who can’t wait until they get home to do it. Those partaking will need to register their name, email and phone number for track and trace purposes and can only do it with a member of the same household or a family member.”

“We’re all looking forward to seeing our regulars again,” Martin smiled, “until the second wave hits us and I have to tell my staff to work in Tesco again.”

The Spire’s new book, Luddenham Calling, is now available to buy (£15) in Castella

and The Bear Inn.


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