On the Square - Issue 6



BLUE RINSE


Rumours continue to circulate that the local Tories, Cosgrove, Kay and the rest of the Dad’s Army who were soundly rejected by the people of Faversham now fancy themselves as media barons and want to start their own paper to rival the Eye. A good title would be the Blue Rinse to feature stories with headlines such as the Town Hall – deal of the century, the War Memorial – architectural triumph and Top Tory explains why Faversham voters are “pond life.”


Our sources suggest local journalists Christine and Stephen Rayner, a husband and wife team, have been approached to produce the organ.


As the Tories in Faversham are relics of a past age, it’s a mystery why they want a new paper. The simplest thing would be to put them where they belong in the magazine published by the Rayners called Bygone Kent. Here, they can sit well next to articles about the late arrival of electricity to Kent, the “inconvenient” defence against Hitler and the local man who survived the Titanic.



FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS


Most of the stalls at the Faversham Food Festival’s medieval fish night ran out within an hour, something the locals would have been used to back in the day. To keep the authentic historical experience going, next year there will be public hangings and the bubonic plague.



ONE FOR THE BIRDS


Faversham’s bird life is one of the unsung constituencies thrilled by the election of the animal loving Greens and Lib Dems. Before the election, one Faversham voter complained to former Tory Councillor, Mike Cosgrove about the ridiculous siting of the benches in the war memorial. Placed right under the trees, they look like a plasterer’s radio, Faversham’s bird population telling the council exactly what they think about the concrete monstrosity. Don’t worry about the birds - he quipped - we’ll just shoot them. The thought of Faversham’s ageing Tories stalking around with rusty World War One .303 Lee Enfield rifles taking pot shots at local sparrows is just too horrifying for the gentle souls on the Faversham Eye editorial board to contemplate.



RIGHT TO REMAIN


A rising number of people who have lived, worked and contributed to this country’s economy for decades, have now belatedly discovered that their rights of residency post-Brexit are in jeopardy. So we ask: Has machete-happy Sheppey councillor Padmini ‘Kipper’ Nissanga filed for the right to remain?


Originally from Sri Lanka, Nissanga infamously tweeted that Remainers “should be hanged or chopped up with big machetes”.


Perhaps her enthusiasm for the mass extermination of 16 million-plus Remainers will accelerate her to the head of the queue of those wishing to stay in the land of ‘the mother of all Parliaments’,. Chop! Chop!

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