By Andy Capon
As the government’s roadmap for an end to lock down gathers pace The Spire has been speaking with
Faversham residents about how it affected them, and how they are looking forward to ‘normality’ as rules are eased. Many have also expressed how life will ‘never be the same again’ and how their lives have changed dramatically.
“It’s been a tough year for us all”, said Cheney Road resident Davina Brady, “But I am looking forward to enjoying the simple things like having my friends from the gardening club come over for tea. I also need some advice on how to rejuvenate the dead patch where nothing has grown since burying my daughter’s poodles back in March.”
“I’m just looking forward to a nice pint of Shep’s outside The Bear, despite drinking excessively since lock down began”, said Tom Morgan from the Court Street bus shelter that is now his home.
“I miss that bar manager at The Sun being rude to me”, said Glen Holtum, “I’m so looking forward to having him slam my change down in a puddle of beer because I paid cash and not card”.
“I probably won’t be returning to the pubs”, Said Ianovich Banovich of Newton Road, “I have got used to staying in at the weekends and drinking my bodyweight in cheap lager. I can fall asleep on the beer-sticky carpet, wake up and do it all again. It’s like being in Wetherspoons but without the threat of getting merked.” **
“I’m looking forward to Wetherspoons reopening” said Tanya Macnamara of Boughton, “I’m fast running out of condiments and I was saving a fortune by stealing them from The Leading Light. I’ve been forced to actually buy them during lock down, if you ever did”.
**For older readers unfamiliar with recent Faversham street slang, ‘merked’ is the past participle of ‘merk’.
But locals aren’t just looking forward to pubs reopening – charity shops, too, have been sorely missed, as Faversham’s most famous resident Sir Bob Geldof explained.
“I can’t wait for the charity shops to reopen. Especially this one. I’ve been stuck at the counter since December, waiting to haggle a few quid off of a Thin Lizzy CD”, he told us through the letterbox of Cancer Research, “I’ve survived by eating sandals and drinking hand sanitizer”, Geldof added.
“I am looking forward to an end to lockdown simply because that Marsh family won’t be making anymore dreadful videos”, said Mike Cosgrove.
Faversham MP Helen Whately said, “I am especially looking forward to life returning to normal. The virus has meant that I’ve had to make many media appearances over the past year and I am proud to say that some of them have been met with intense public engagement. After this emergency, I’ll have more time then to reply to the 23,187 emails my constituents have sent me… Ha! I’m joking of course – I never reply to them. Lol!”
Traders are looking forward to the permanent reopening of the Court Street gates, too, as Creekside Vinyl owner Simon Tyler explained, “The gates were closed to promote social distancing, right? When all restrictions are dropped on 21 June, I assume this will mean that gates are opened, too?”
The Spire put this to FTC Councillor Tony Schnook, who said, “We are looking into this. The keys are now the responsibility of SWB, who have outsourced the job of looking after them to KCC who outsourced it to a third party who is sharing the keys with a fourth party, his sister Mrs Edith Bickerstaffe, who lives in a shoe in Perry Woods. Big shoe, mind”.
It is also hoped that the EE mast in Faversham car park will be up and running by 21 June, as GS4 security guard Mike Holness explained. “I am tired with locals hurling abuse at me because they’re not getting a signal. I had someone throw chips at me the other day because they only had one bar on their phone. I wouldn’t have minded, but it was the deputy mayor. It’s worse than Basildon.”
But despite the Spring-like optimism, there are many Faversham residents who aren’t looking forward to lockdown ending.
One is Market Place resident Dyan O’Panc, who told us “I have enjoyed a full year of peace and quiet on the square and am not looking forward to an end to lockdown. The thought of listening to that bagpipe and accordion duo blaring out the theme to Postman Pat is bringing on anxiety attacks. And don’t get me started on that bloke that plays the trumpet.”
Mike Baldock said, “Lockdown had a positive effect on the environment, as CO2 levels dropped. We saw dolphins cavorting in the creek, wild boar were seen roaming through the Millfield estate and a Stegosaurus was spotted in Perry Woods. A return to normality will probably see them disappear, along with that Kingfisher I suppose.”
One question remains, though. What is to be done with the thousands of masks that will no longer be needed on the stroke of midnight on the 20 June when Covid-19 completely disappears from our streets?
Professor Eugene Flake at The University of West Ospringe may have the answer. “We are planning on a series of experiments involving hamster parachutes. The fabric ones actually provide 30% more cross sectional air resistance for parachuting hamsters, whereas the disposable ones that the hospitals give out don’t provide any resistance at all. We lost three hamsters last week trying this”.
“It may sound bizarre that we’re teaching hamsters how to use a parachute, but after the last 12 months, none of us should be surprised by anything anymore”, Flake added.
Follow The Spire at thefavershamspire.blogspot.com
To purchase the annuals, visit areyoubeingsevered.bigcartel.com